Thursday, March 15, 2018

In the Future

by Madeleine Kando

In the future there won’t be any poverty. All the poor people will have left, replaced by the economically challenged. There won’t be any more short people, fat people, ugly people or stupid people either. There will be a lot more vertically challenged, horizontally challenged, esthetically challenged and mentally challenged individuals, though.

In the future, there will be many more fast food restaurants, where the food will be so fast, that people won’t have time to chew. All cars will be equipped with puke bags, just in case you gag on the fast food you didn’t have time to chew. That’s ok though, cars will be self-driving, so you will be able to puke your heart out.

There will still be a few slow-food restaurants, but forget about the service. If you go to one of those archaic places and you hear someone say: ‘I’ll have THE chicken’, it’s going to be a mad-dash to the kitchen, trying to grab that one chicken before someone else does. Vegetarian dishes on the menu will be half-price, since vegetables don’t have legs to run with.

Nobody will be walking in the future. Only cops will be allowed to walk their beat. Anyone else caught walking without a special permit will be detained, read their rights and put in a holding cell (with a treadmill. After all we are not inhuman). There will be strategically placed detox centers for people who suffer from walking withdrawal, where one-hour walking treatment sessions will be provided at no charge.

For the safety of the group, running without a special permit will be considered a serious offense. Collisions are still bound to occur, however, but life is not perfect. For the few imbeciles who insist on running in the privacy of their home, the bruises and cuts incurred bumping into furniture will not be covered by insurance.

In the future there will no longer be fake news, hyperbole or exaggerations. Everyone will have long forgotten what real news is and the orange baboon’s continued use of hyperbole and exaggeration will have depleted one of our more valuable verbal resources. There will be nothing left for future generations.

In the future, we will also be spared the constant need for typing. We already have some cases of children being born with stunted fingers, which is not such a bad thing, considering how many of them use those protrusions for purposes that I will refrain from discussing here.

Reading will be considered unusual and cruel punishment and will only be required in cases of national emergency. The Emergency Alert System (EAS) will issue a warning and you will hear a tone followed by an audio message, at which point your television will display a written message, telling you what to do. This is mandatory reading although the authorities will issue a post-emergency apology for the cruel and unusual punishment endured by the citizenry.

I wanted to end this informative article on a positive note and tell you about all the new fantastic, out of this world things in the future that will make this country great again. People don’t know this, but believe me, I guarantee you that it’s going to be, like, you have never seen before. It’s going to be very very good.

We had all these problems in the past caused by you know who, but that’s going to be taken care of, believe me. It’s going to be incredible. Great thing, the future. Most people don’t know this, but the future hasn’t happened yet. Looks like it’s gonna be tremendous. Believe me. leave comment here