The Truth About First Twins

by Madeleine Kando

My twin sister was born 15 minutes after I entered this valley of tears. As we sprinted for the exit, she almost passed the finish line before me, but due to a last-minute trip up, she fell back and I came out first. It was a close call, though, and had it not been for the tight squeeze, it would have been a tie, branding us the first twins ever to be born at the exact same time.

I actually did all the leg work and my sister just went along for the ride, twiddling her little baby thumbs while sitting on her hiney, doing nothing.

This happened a long long time ago, a period in history when parents of twins were popping them out like rabbit turds, blissfully unaware of the extremely hazardous consequences of being a twin. Here you are, trying to take your first breath, exhausted, hungry, covered with slime, expecting all the attention to be focused on you, and then your twin comes along, stealing all the limelight. You get wrapped in a blanket and placed in a container, while everybody is turning their backs on you giving attention to this other thing.

Sure, your parents pretend they love you as much as that thing that caused you to be cast aside like an old shoe, but deep down you know better. Not a word of thanks for all the hard pushing and clawing your way up towards that exit, your unborn fingers raw to the bone.

There is really no justice in this world. People who deserve praise and attention always get it the least. It’s the freeloaders who don’t even know that they owe you a heap of gratitude, that get all the benefits of being a twin.

You see, because parents of twins these days, keep the true facts a big secret, your twin is shielded from God’s honest truth that YOU are the one that saved her hide, all in the name of equality. All twins these days are born at the exact same time, defying the laws of physiology. They all squeeze their huge balloon heads through that final opening, making parents think that they produced a two-headed hydra monster.

But what about triplets, quadruplets or quintuplets? Those are the true unsung heroes of the world. Like the pilot on a bobsled, the first of the bunch gets splashed, bumped, twisted and bruised, all the while shielding the rest of the crew from harm. Don’t they deserve some recognition for their effort?

Seriously, won’t a member of a quintuplet at some point wonder how he could have been born at the exact same time as all his twins, without causing severe brain damage?

I hate equality. Equality is for wooses. So, if you read this and you are one of the unsung heroes of the world of twins, please support my website: ‘Make First Twins Great Again’. Any amount is accepted. leave comment here