Trying To Follow The Unwritten Rules

by Madeleine Kando

I came to America in my early twenties, not knowing what to do with my life and yearning for adventure. I didn't know much about this country. All I knew was that it was a lot bigger than Holland, my home country.

My biggest challenge in trying to adapt to living here was to figure out the 'unwritten rules' of American society.It started when I went for my first interview for a job as a secretary. As I was waiting for my interviewer, I heard someone call out: 'Madeleine?' and I thought to myself 'Hey, that's funny, somebody here is also called Madeleine.' But then I realized that they were calling ME! Imagine being called by your first name by a total stranger! I was shocked to my core. In Holland, being called by your first name by someone you don't know is a sign of total disrespect. I was very insulted and almost walked out of the office.

Now that I am a veteran immigrant I have grown to like this custom. I like it because it reflects one of the most basic American values - that of equality. In America, titles, such as "sir" and "madam" are seldom used in business or elsewhere. People in authority, managers, directors, even presidents are addressed by their first name. So why not a lowly interviewee?

Another basic American value is that of openness and frankness. At the office I initially closed my office door so I could concentrate on my work, but people kept knocking, peeking in and asking with a worried look on their face whether I was alright. I realized that another unwritten rule in America is to leave your office door open unless something unpleasant is going on that needs to be shielded from the outside world.

You see, there are very few physical barriers in America: Yards have no fences, doors are left open, taxi cabs never have a devider between driver and passengers.. So how do you prevent your children from playing in your neighbor's yard? Why doesn't the whole office staff end up in YOUR office? How can you talk freely in a taxi cab without the driver knowing about your most intimate secrets?

Again: it's the unwritten rules. Except for naïve immigrants like myself, everybody knows that you don't let your children play in someone else's yard. And you don't just barge into someone else's office without first knocking on the open door. A taxi driver is not expected to listen in on a private conversation 3 feet away (how that is accomplished is still a mystery to me). And the list goes on.

But sometimes this lack of physical barriers and reliance on unwritten rules is taken too far. In the case of the American public bathroom I could do with a little less openness and frankness. Whoever designed those deserves to burn in hell for all eternity. Since the deviders do not reach the floor, there is no telling who or what will invade your stall at any given moment. European bathrooms are floor to ceiling enclosures. In my opinion the motto for American public bathrooms should be: Hear no evil, see no evil, smell no evil. Even though another great American value is that of privacy, they certainly did not extend it to their public lavatories.

Americans are also known for their casualness and informality. But here too I committed blunders on my way to becoming a good immigrant, and I had to learn the unwritten rules the hard way. A few weeks after my arrival I was strolling down the sunny streets of Cambridge, Mass., when I happened to pass the flat of a friend. As is customary in Holland I rang her bell and thought I'd go up for a cup of coffee. She opened the door and I knew there was something not right when she looked at me with a concerned expression: 'Did you have an accident?' she asked. I had just learned another unwritten rule of American society: don't make surprise visits. Call first.

To show you how naïve I was of American traditions and values, let me relate to you my first invitation to a Tupperware party. I had never heard of Tupperware and the thought of being invited to a friend's house so I could be sold something was unimaginable. Using friends for profit is a big taboo in Holland. It is one of the unwritten rules of Dutch society. So, naively I went to my friend's house expecting to have a nice dinner, nice conversation and everything that I associate with the word 'friendship'. To my utter horror I realized that the only reason I had been invited was so I could buy plastic containers! I have to admit that I ditched both the friend and the tupperware, and after that I was much more careful about what kind of invitations I received.

It is easy to follow the rules of a society but unwritten rules can only be learned by breaking them. That is what makes immigrating so interesting. You never know what wasp's nest you are going to step in next.
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