Personal Space

by Madeleine Kando

I met a very nice woman in my writing group the other day. Her name is Grace. She has beautiful red curly hair and a smile that could melt an iceberg. She is jovial, engaging, smart and funny. In short she has all the qualities that made me want to become her friend.

So, after the meeting I walked over to her and struck up a conversation. Who knows why some people gravitate to each other and not others? It’s one of those mysteries that makes life interesting.

But then it happened. A familiar feeling of unease came over me as I was talking to her. I couldn’t figure it out. Was she so different up close? Was it the freckles that had been invisible from a distance? I like freckles, so that cannot have been the problem. I like red hair and especially friendly smiles. I like friendly smiles at any distance.


She turned and stepped back a little to talk to another group member and I suddenly felt a sense of relief. Ah! I knew what was the problem. She had just been standing too close to me as we were talking. I hear you think: ‘Well, that’s pretty neurotic, to get upset by such a minuscule variable’.

But you have no idea how important ‘personal space’ is in human interactions. We are all carrying a personal space bubble around us and mine tends to be quite large. It’s as if I was wearing invisible, oversized Charlie Chaplin shoes and every time someone steps into my personal space I think: ‘Hey you! Don’t step on my shoes, that’s rude!’

Regardless of size, these invisible shoes serve a very important function in human society. Can you imagine if we didn’t carry these personal space bubbles around us? We would bump into each other willy-nilly. We would spend all day saying: ‘Oh, excuse me for bumping into you’. And as you stepped back you would bump into the person behind you, and you would have to apologize again and so on. What a mess it would be.

I am sure you have experienced being crammed in an overstuffed elevator. What do you do to try to salvage the pitiful remnants of your precious personal space? You suddenly show great interest in the ceiling or the elevator floor. You direct your gaze anywhere except at the person who is standing on your Charlie Chaplin shoes.

I am amazed at the intricacies of the personal space rules in society. Children as young as two already wear their little Charlie Chaplin shoes. Some two-year olds take refuge behind their mom as extra protection, but then for reasons only known to them, they fly into your arms and gone are the shoes entirely.

I lived in Spain for a while and there, stepping on each other’s invisible toes is a national pass-time. I found myself doing a backwards two-step with my interlocutors at parties, me backing up, the other person closing in, until a wall or a table stopped me and I felt sweaty and uncomfortable the rest of the evening.

In Japan personal space is not a luxury, it is to prevent bodily injury. People who bow when they greet each other, need at least three feet between them. If you don't go by the personal space rule, you risk knocking heads and you would end up with a nation full of brain injured individuals.

In a sensitivity training class I once took we were told to allow group members to approach until we started to feel uncomfortable. Before I realized it I had stopped the whole group at around three feet except this one tall, handsome Sean Connery look-alike whom I had stopped only when he was about to touch my nose.

You probably have recognized my description of personal space as Edward T. Hall's study of 'proxemics', the science of measuring distance between people as they interact.

The use of personal distance depends on several aspects of culture, one of which is the way you are raised. If you grew up sharing a space, as many families do in Asia, you might actually feel uncomfortable when you find yourself alone in a public space. In India for instance, if you are sitting in an empty movie theatre and someone else comes in, they will sit right next to you. Let them try that here. The first thing you would do is call the police on your cell phone and tell them someone is trying to mug you.

It gets curiouser and curiouser. When population density increases (crowding), the need for personal space also increases. You might have to share your country with more people but your Charlie Chaplin shoe size also increases. Doesn't that remind you of one of the fundamental laws of physics? The more pressure is applied to an object, the more counter pressure it generates? Mmm.

Wouldn't it be nice if we all generated some kind of beep every time someone entered our personal space? Animals are much better at showing their boundaries: they show their fangs, start to growl or their hair stands on end. I could bear my teeth at Grace, the next time we talk, but something tells me that that would eliminate any chance of creating a future friendship between us. leave comment here