by Madeleine Kando
A lot of hunters these days are missing a much needed challenge in their sport, so I have taken the liberty of offering some suggestions to achieve greater equality and add some sorely needed leveling in the playing field of both the hunter and the hunted.
Not only would the following suggestions create more satisfaction amongst hunters, it would have the added benefit of creating a demand for new jobs.
Let’s face it: hunting is not what it used to be, when the hunter only had access to a bow and arrow or a knife. What’s so fun about shooting a deer or a bear from a long distance away? These days rifle technology has advanced to such a degree that I have heard of some hunters recline and smoke a cigarette while their fully automatic guns spotted a target, and boom! All they have to do is stroll over to the felled animal and hoist it onto their hummer.
I suggest that we level the playing field a bit by decreasing the advantage that hunters have and give the hunted a head start.
We should write to our senators and ask the government to subsidize research labs that would enhance a bear’s ability to fight back by developing night-vision goggles for bears. (Since bears don’t know how to use goggles, this would create an entire new class of instructors called: ‘personal trainers for bears’.)
I also suggest looking into new biological research so that future generations of ducks would grow bulletproof feathers.
We could encourage gun shops to start selling new types of bullets that work like boomerangs. And ask the NRA to give out a ’10 best Hunters of the Year’ award to those hunters that took on the challenge of using these types of bullets and didn’t get killed in the process.
Deer could be outfitted with anti-guided missile helmets so that the bullet aimed at them would ricochet back to the hunter’s rifle. As you may have guessed already, this also would create an entire class of ‘personal trainers for deer’.
I have created a new think tank called: ‘Hunters for Equal Opportunity’. You are welcome to submit any new ideas (in triplicate please). These will be reviewed by our board and, if deemed appropriate, will be passed on to our lobbyist in Washington.
Thank you for your cooperation. leave comment here
8 comments:
For a more exciting hunting experience, richer in adrenaline, you could train foxes to befriend a pack of 40 dogs each who would sniff out hunting parties and drive their horses back to where they came from.
Ha!
I had similar thoughts. Madeleine's piece reminded me, too, of the obscene (largely British) "sport" of fox hunting.
Plus, keep in mind that bear hunting in the US also often involves the use of packs of vicious pit-bull type dogs. These can, when they catch up with the bear, either tear it to pieces, or chase it up a tree, to be valiantly shot down when the brave hunter arrives on the scene...
I must admit you have hit a nerve with this! Frankly, I love it.
I am one of those people that delight in bear (or any pray) eats or hurts hunter stories. I never feel sorry for the "victim" of these instances. Arming animals is a small enjoyable fantasy...
What ass hunts with an automatic rifle?!?! I never heard of such a thing! And I know lots of hunters. Hunters are important to the ecosystem, without them masses of deer would starve to death due to overpopulation. Notice there are no shortage of dear even in the cities in California. Since humans arrived on the continent 17k years they have been part of the ecosystem. I fail to see how arriving at your protien at the supermarket under a cellophane wrap is morally superior.
I think the better way is to do something to all the babies born in the US at time of birth. If you look at hunters they are mostly like Justice Scalia and the other fella that shot him by mistake. What they need is a bit of common sense, which most people don't seem to have, and allow me to say, that all hunters lack.
So there are two ways, implant in new born babies a "common sense" gene within three days after birth, or since you suggest equipping all "lesser" animals with such things as night vision or other implants, why not give humans a "real" brain?
Scientists (perhaps not at Sac State, since there is no neuro science there) at medical research universities could develop common sense genes that can be implanted in the whole population. We will sort of create heaven on earth by doing so, which is what God presumably is supposed to have done, but science can give him a bit of help, here.
I know we can do this. We are looking back to 5, 10, 15 billion years ago by just looking at stars, so we may be able to catch some photons from 15+ billion years not too far in the future, and actually see all the "living things" in the making. Far fetched? You bet. Have fun in the meantime. T
Anonymous has it backassward. Hunters are doing deer a favor? Give me a break.
Yes, I like the idea of a common sense gene implant. A mandatory, tax deductible medical expense. Right on, Ty.
You wrote something really funny here. There is a terrific short story about a guy who is shipwrecked on an island. For sport, the owner of the island outfits anyone who is shipwrecked with a knife and a rope and then hunts them. I think the name of the story might be "the most dangerous game". Food for thought.
Sent from my iPhone
Don: Yes,'The Most Dangerous Game' by Richard Connell is a fantastic read!
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