The Right to Arm Bears

by Madeleine Kando

A lot of hunters these days are missing a much needed challenge in their sport, so I have taken the liberty of offering some suggestions to achieve greater equality and add some sorely needed leveling in the playing field of both the hunter and the hunted.

Not only would the following suggestions create more satisfaction amongst hunters, it would have the added benefit of creating a demand for new jobs.

Let’s face it: hunting is not what it used to be, when the hunter only had access to a bow and arrow or a knife. What’s so fun about shooting a deer or a bear from a long distance away? These days rifle technology has advanced to such a degree that I have heard of some hunters recline and smoke a cigarette while their fully automatic guns spotted a target, and boom! All they have to do is stroll over to the felled animal and hoist it onto their hummer.

I suggest that we level the playing field a bit by decreasing the advantage that hunters have and give the hunted a head start.

We should write to our senators and ask the government to subsidize research labs that would enhance a bear’s ability to fight back by developing night-vision goggles for bears. (Since bears don’t know how to use goggles, this would create an entire new class of instructors called: ‘personal trainers for bears’.)

I also suggest looking into new biological research so that future generations of ducks would grow bulletproof feathers.

We could encourage gun shops to start selling new types of bullets that work like boomerangs. And ask the NRA to give out a ’10 best Hunters of the Year’ award to those hunters that took on the challenge of using these types of bullets and didn’t get killed in the process.

Deer could be outfitted with anti-guided missile helmets so that the bullet aimed at them would ricochet back to the hunter’s rifle. As you may have guessed already, this also would create an entire class of ‘personal trainers for deer’.

I have created a new think tank called: ‘Hunters for Equal Opportunity’. You are welcome to submit any new ideas (in triplicate please). These will be reviewed by our board and, if deemed appropriate, will be passed on to our lobbyist in Washington.

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