"I love my man, I'm a liar if I say I don't.
But I'll quit my man, I'm a liar if I say I won't."
Billie Holiday, 'My Man,' Billie's Blues (1936)
The official definition of ambivalence is ‘having conflicting feelings toward something or someone.’ It means "sitting on the fence", not knowing which side to choose. It usually has a negative connotation but in my opinion, ambivalence has gotten a bad rap over the course of human history. It has become the whipping boy in the arsenal of our emotions. I am not sure why, because ambivalence has a lot going for it. In a fair fight, it would win over certainty any time. After all, it has to fight on two fronts in an argument. Like an immigrant worker, it toils away; doing the dirty work that certainty feels too superior to take on.
Here comes certainty strolling down the street, briefcase in hand, stuffed with opinions whose ink is barely dry, immune to all the ugly stares from opposing views, so full of itself, so overconfident. That’s what I hate about it, it’s just too damn sure of itself.
In fact, certainty has caused so much suffering in the world, that anyone with an iota of common sense, should avoid it like the plague. It’s like the bully in the schoolyard, justifying all manner of abuse in its name. Religious fanaticism, Nationalism, Terrorism, they all hysterically wave their respective flag emblazoned with these dreadful words ‘We are certain of our cause’.
It is amazing that the word 'ambivalence' didn't exist before the 20th century. It was coined by Swiss psychiatrist Eugen Bleuler in 1911 in his work with Schizophrenics. He takes a rose as an example: 'The normal person loves the rose despite its thorns. The schizophrenic loves the rose because of its beauty and at the same time detests it because of its thorns.'
Does that mean that no one felt ambivalent before Bleuler came along? If a tree falls in the forest and there is nobody there to hear it, does it make a sound? Of course it does. In the Middle Ages men were very ambivalent towards women. Although mysoginy was at an all-time high, the cult of chivalry... Men saw themselves as beings with pure souls who were morally superior to women, but the problem was that they also wanted sex.
The word 'ambivalence' comes from the Latin prefix ambi- (on both sides) and 'valentia' (vigor, to be strong). So, it means to be strong on both sides. Doesn't that sound a lot better than 'not being able to choose?' The root of this verb, val- refers to strength, and is found in words like valor, valid, and value, all positive words.
The older I get, the more certainty starts to fall through the cracks. Many issues that were unequivocally in certainty’s corner only a brief moment ago, have now begun to wander about on the canvas, not knowing to whom they should pledge allegiance to. I feel ambivalent about my Jewish roots, about getting older, about living in America, but these 'questions' are not diminished by my ambivalence. If anything, it keeps the internal conversation going and deepens my understanding, my awareness.
But at the heart of my ambivalence is the desire to have it all. I want to be a good girl and make up my bed every morning, but I also want to be a rebel and say 'up yours, see if I care if I am messy today'.
Can you imagine if statements like 'what if ', 'let me think on it' or 'it depends on' didn't exist? Ambivalence is what makes it possible to live in a world full of contradictions, ups and downs, good and bad and life and death. It is 'ambi-valence', struggling with the pull towards both sides of an issue that ultimately allows us to choose correctly.
On the other hand, should one feel ambivalent about Hitler, rape, torture, terrorism, the Holocaust? So, I am not sure. I can see it both ways. leave comment here
