The 2014 Janitors' Awards

by Madeleine Kando

This is a parody on The Crunchies, an industry award given out since 2008 to the Silicon Valley companies and their investors. Why and industry that already has everything, would want to lavish itself with such a ceremony, prompted me to write this spoof.

I just returned from the 2014 Janitors' Awards ceremony, held at the modest looking local 87 on Golden Gate Avenue in San Francisco. With record attendance, the event started off with a request for a one minute silence in memory of the late Thomas Crapper, leading manufacturer of flush toilets, which greatly contributed to the growth of the profession.

Representatives of the major janitorial categories were present, including Ms. Maria Gonzalez Ramirez, last year's winner of 'best kept restrooms' category.

The highlight of the evening was a video demonstration by Mr. Sanchez Rodrigo, whose video 'self-cleaning toilet defeat' has gone viral and has saved thousands of janitorial jobs, showing that the Swedish made self-cleaning toilet does not live up to its marketed standards. Mr. Sanchez did not make it to the finalists but received a $10,000 gift certificate as appreciation for his job saving efforts. You can watch the video here.

On the corner of Hyde and Turk, a motley assortment of young techies were picketing, holding signs that read 'Justice for Crunchies' and 'We want Green Latrines'. Their spokeswoman, Andrea MacDonoghue, office manager of the Market Tower explained:

'There is too much concentration of power in the hands of the few. Our janitors refuse to separate tampons from paper towels and prevent us from working in a green office environment. We have tried to negotiate, but so far the janitors have been unwilling to talk to us.'

Inside, janitorial pioneer Simon Baranski and other luminaries tried to make the case that janitorial firms really were doing something about "the protesters outside" by creating a separate 'green' janitorial category, but Marcos DiPalma, operations manager of Janitorial Services Alliance, compared the protestors' hostility to Nazis, saying that the best approach was to ignore them.

Although the protestors were loud and angry, there was little concern amongst the guests that the profession's reputation as fair and non-discriminatory would be afffected. Each finalist brought home a statuette befitting their category. leave comment here