President Donald Trump's Inauguration Speech as 45th President of the United States, January 20, 2017

by Tom Kando

My fellow Americans.
This is a new dawn for America.

First, I want to thank you all, you amazing American people who voted for me and put your trust in me, to lead the country back to being great again.

You have chosen the best man. As your president, I will do amazing things for you. We are not gonna pussy-foot anymore with China, with Mexico, with the Arabs or with all those other foreigners. When I am in charge, America will come first and not last, like during my predecessor (yeah, that’s a great word I like to use now, it means “the guy before me,” which was Obama, who by the way was never born in this country).

So here is the thing: You voted for me because you hate those liberals who are politically correct, right? Well, I got good news for you: I also hate them, and I promise you: I am not gonna be politically correct. And by the way, I am not gonna appoint women, blacks, Mexicans and other people just because they are black, or women, or some other thing. I will appoint the best man for the job, whoever that might be.

I have nothing against blacks and against women. I am a billionaire and I’ve run an amazing business. I’ve employed blacks and women, and Mexicans and other people from among the lower groups, too. Some of them are amazing. And if they are not very capable, there are plenty of other jobs which they can easily fill. Just because you are black or gay or a woman doesn’t mean that you can’t hold down a job. When I ran my great show “The Apprentice,” we hired some amazing people from all the different walks of life, not just the best-looking guys or anything like that...

I love all Americans. And by the way, if foreigners want to come here and learn from us, that’s fine with me. Let them. But if they come here to harm us and to rape us and stuff like that, they have another surprise coming. We are done pussy-footing around. We are the greatest country God ever created. We have the greatest military in all of human history. We are amazing. We could wipe out countries that threaten us, such as Iran and Korea or ISIS. But we haven’t done it, even though it would be easy for us. And you know why we haven’t done it? Because we are too good! That’s right, we have more power than all the other foreign countries put together, but we haven’t used our power. Why not? Because the democrats have been in charge of the White House government forever, and the democrats are afraid of power. They are afraid of using power. They are like a bunch of women.

Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t mean all women. Just some of them. Take my lovely wife Melania for instance. Well, if you ever came and bothered her, she would let you have it, you can be sure of that!

And there are also some men who inside are actually like mushy women. And I don’t even mean just gays or anything like that. I mean that as a way of speaking. Men who are cowards and weak. Men who are not really men. Like those liberal do-gooders who want to take away our guns and our freedoms. Politicians and egg-heads who would rather be red than dead, and who are too afraid to even lift a finger to defend this great country of ours. That’s what I mean. Because you see, whether you are born with a vagina or with testicles, in your heart you can be a real man, or you can be a coward. That’s what I mean.

There are some pretty strong women out there. But if you want to be president of the greatest country God ever created, you got to have some gonads, as they say. And by the way that’s exactly what my predecessor (that means “the guy who came before me”) didn’t have. He acted like a college professor (well, I guess he WAS actually a college professor - maybe that was the whole problem, haha), one of those philosophers who believes that you can talk your way out of every problem.

Well, the ISIS and the other terrorists over there in Africa and various other countries know better. They don’t mess around. They know that talk is cheap. They act. If you don’t agree with them, they cut off your head - or your testicles, or both. We should learn from them. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that we should go around and cut off everybody’s head or everyone’s testicles (although a few of them, like ISIS, I wouldn’t mind). All I’m saying is that you gotta be tough, because the world is a tough place, and talk is cheap.

So as president, I am going to act, and not talk. I am going to solve problems and make America great again. Talk is cheap. When I am done, America will get respect again, and that’s what it’s all about!

© Tom Kando 2016
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