The Queen of Pillows

by Madeleine Kando

My husband calls me the Queen of Pillows. That’s because no amount of pillows will satisfy my need for a good night’s rest. You see, there is an art to using pillows. If it isn’t done just right, you are destined for a restless, sleepless night.

When I was young and clueless about the magic of pillows, any old pillowless couch would do. My desire for sleep safeguarded me from falling into the abyss of my current pillow obsession.

As I got older, pillows started to become extensions of my physical body. I couldn’t drift into slumber land without a good amount of pillowy support for my head. Then my arms and knees started to demand equal rights and before I knew it, it had become a pillow junkie.

I even give my pillows names. Skinny Henry goes under my head, Fat Kurt to support my legs, and Average Amy goes under my arm.

I dread going on vacation. The first thought that pops up in my head is: ‘Will this Bed and Breakfast have a bed with monstrous, rock-hard pillows that look great on the website but will ruin my sleep?’

Who invented pillows anyway? They don’t grow on trees you know. Someone must have thought them up, like cars and refrigerators. So, I went on a pillow expedition and found out that the first pillows showed up 9000 years ago in Mesopotamia (Iraq). They were made of stone and were not used for comfort, as you might think. They were to keep creepy crawlies out of your hair and your mouth while you were sleeping.

Carving stone was expensive and only the wealthy could afford these torture devices, which turned pillows into a status symbol. Bamboo, jade, porcelain, wood, and bronze were used. It must have caused a lot of c-spine injury or at the very least pinched nerves. The ancient Egyptians must have been a grumpy group.

Then came the Dark Ages and using a pillow became a sign of laziness and indulgence. As a manly knight, you couldn’t be caught dead with a pillow under your head. Only pregnant women were allowed pillows. And the kings of course, since they were exempt from all worldly rules.

The Japanese Geisha used smaller, hard pillows to keep their neck raised off the ground at night. This way their elaborate hairdo remained perfectly coiffed for days on end.

The ancient Greeks and Romans came to their senses and started stuffing their pillows with cotton, reeds, or straw. Then, along came the Industrial Revolution, and finally everyone had a pillow to rest their weary heads on.
Humans cannot take the credit for inventing pillows, however. Chimpanzees made pillows out of ironwood long before man came along. That way they didn’t fall out of the trees while asleep and get eaten.

Besides, many animals use parts of their body to rest their head on. Giraffes use their butt, swans use their backs and snakes place their head on any of the coils their long bodies can make. My cat sleeps on her crossed-over front paws. We have seen monk seals in Hawaii push sand into a little mound and rest their chin on it.

You might think that I am one of those bloggers that love to write about trivia, but did you know that pillows lead to longer periods of REM sleep, which in turn increases your cognitive capacity? That is why I am so smart. Henry the 8th of England banned the use of pillows during his reign. Only the King and pregnant women were allowed to have pillows, since they were seen as a status symbol.

You have no idea how important pillows are in our culture. Without them, we couldn’t have pillow fights or pillow talk. We couldn’t hit the pillow and women couldn’t get pillowed. There would be no pillows of strength or pillows of wisdom (chatGPT added those last two, until I told her she mistook the word pillow for pillar). 

We have now arrived at the zenith of the pillow culture. Pillows are made from gel, memory foam, down, feathers, cotton, wool, latex or micro beads. It is recommended that one change pillows at least every 2 years or so, for obvious sanitary reasons. Needless to say, I haven’t changed my favorite pillow for several decades. Why would I replace something that has made me smarter, younger, and less hunched over, just because some know-it-all says so?

But, eventually, I will have to bring Skinny Henry to the pillow cemetery. He is starting to show signs of extreme old age and it is not fair to rely on a geriatric pillow to cater to my needs.

So, if you don’t hear from me for a while, it means that I said a last farewell to Skinny Henry and I am in mourning. leave comment here