Things that Didn't Happen

by Madeleine Kando

Today so many things didn't happen to me, that I feel I should write about them. On other days, things start to happen as soon as I wake up. I trip over some carelessly strewn about item on my way to the kitchen to make my first cup of coffee, but today I made it to the kitchen without stubbing my toes. I didn't find the coffee jar empty and didn't have to resort to the dreaded emergency decaf container; I didn't burn the milk and didn't have to spend half an hour cleaning the stove.

While I was not doing all these things, I couldn't help but notice other things that had not happened: the pile of laundry was still waiting patiently next to the washing machine and the dirty dishes had not seen any action either.

As the day progressed, more and more things gathered on the didn't happen pile. While I was taking a shower, I noticed that the paper thin sliver of soap had not been replaced by a healthy, new fresh bar and the hair ball in the drain had not budged, giving my feet a good 15 minute

As I was getting dressed, I realized that the things that almost happen are the jewels in the crown of non-happenings. The time when I thought that someone had stolen my wallet, only to find it under the car seat, or when I lost my favorite pair of sunglasses on a walk in the forest, only to find them again the next day!

We don't appreciate it enough, when things don't happen. For one thing they are not subject to all sorts of rules, like 'Murphy's Law', which says that everything bad that can happen will happen. This law is particularly noticeable in air travel. Your flight never leaves on time. The person next to you always wins the arm rest battle. You go the toilet the moment the plane hits turbulence, making you pee on the floor and your luggage is always the last one on the carousel.

Most people believe that everything happens for a reason. The reason you broke your arm, was so you could end up in the emergency room where you meet a lovely nurse who then becomes your wife and the mother of your children. Nonsense, I say. Your good fortune is a result of the things that didn't happen. You didn't side-step the banana peel on the side walk and you met your future wife because the nurse with the facial hair was off duty that day.

Over the years, I have become very good at predicting things that don't happen. I accurately predicted that my friend Amanda's son, who has a C+ GPA average, would not get accepted at Harvard and that her recently divorced husband, after a vicious court battle, would not show up at her door with a bouquet of flowers. 'Amanda' I said, 'don't hold your breath. Chances of the sky falling or a killer comet hitting the earth are higher than your husband showing up with flowers.' And I was right on all three counts!

I know why I like it when things don't happen. It stems from my utter inability to choose. I don’t want to miss out on anything and when something happens, it immediately eliminates all competing contenders in the non-happening corner. My wise husband explains my handicap this way: ‘You want to be like Schroedinger's cat: dead and alive at the same time. But, unless you shrink yourself to the size of an electron (he read somewhere that they can be in two places at once, the lucky devils), you have to make a choice’.

Shopping for example, is a paralyzing experience for me. How can I settle on anything? What about all the undiscovered treasures out there? What if I leave a store and someone else finds the glass slipper?

So I cherish days like today, when things don't happen. It gives me the feeling that anything can happen, which it will, given enough time (say, a few billion years). Some day pigs will fly, my friend Amanda’s son will get accepted at Harvard and this story will make it into the New York Times. leave comment here