Pyros (Greek for ‘fire’), a.k.a. ‘the Stud’
Species: Ursus Arctos (a.k.a. Grizzly)
Pyros is a 500-pound alpha bear, born in Slovenia. He was relocated to the Pyrenees in 1997 as part of an effort to bring back the bear population. Hunters killed the last remaining native bear, a female called Cinnamon, so two Slovenian bears, Ziva and Mellba, both already pregnant were brought in, followed by the dominant male Pyros.
Pyros saw, came and boy, did he conquer. He sired over 30 little boy and girl Pyros and is still going strong as a geriatric bear at the ripe old age of 29.
Sponsored by French actor Gerard Depardieu (no relation to Pyros, appearances notwithstanding) he has become a symbol of virility. Spanish Pyros fans started a Twitter account under his name identifying him as the “father of all the bears” and the French call him “the stud of the Pyrenees”.
Except for the local sheep farmers who, for obvious reasons, don’t care much for Pyros, everybody should be happy about this Casanova’s sexual prowess, but the problem is that Pyros is too good at what he does.
For all we know, Pyros might be as ugly as a toad in bear standards and completely lack sex appeal, but being the only male around, the lady bears in the Pyrenees don’t have much of a choice. He has mated with his daughters and granddaughters, to the point where excessive inbreeding is threatening the gene pool. The Pyrenees might end up being inhabited by retarded bears, just like the royal houses of Europe that intermarried too much.
Poor Pyros. There has been talk of castration, deportation, even death at the hand of a younger immigrant bear from Slovenia, since bears don’t tend to share their territory very well.
Snipping off Pyros’ manhood is not practical, since catching and sedating a 500-pound creature with razor sharp canines the size of a man’s hand is almost impossible. Relocation is both expensive and hazardous, not so much for Pyros himself, but for his female entourage and descendants who would loose their protector and be subject to rape and infanticide by a newcomer.
The more sensible strategy, of course, is to just wait. Pyros doesn’t have much time left in bear years. His sons Moonboots and Pepito already have fathered cubs, which doesn’t really solve the problem of inbreeding, so the only option is to introduce new blood and bear the consequences (no pun intended).
The most vocal enemies of Pyros are the local sheep farmers and hunters associations. They helped eliminate the Pyrenean brown bear in the first place, and they are not thrilled to see France's largest predator return, even though farmers get amply compensated in the rare cases of a sheep killed by a bear. The simple practice of keeping flocks fenced in or rely on sheep dogs to protect them would solve everybody’s problem, but the farmers just don’t want bears, period.
The controversy over cattle grazing on public land out West (see my previous post) is child’s play compared to what’s happening under the hood in this tiny speck of forested mountains between France and Spain.
There is an ingrained culture of ‘la chasse’ (the hunt), of fighting for a vanishing lifestyle of sheep herding on the idyllic Pyrenean mountain slopes and of a historical claim to carry arms as a basic democratic right. Farmers and hunters consider the Slovenian bears as illegal immigrants that should be treated as such: ‘either leave or suffer the consequences.’ As the ultimate in hypocrisy, they claim that the Slovenian bear is inferior to the French bear and are vehicles of genetic pollution.
From Arktos to Winnie the Pooh
Local hatred for the bear also has a historical explanation. The bear was once considered the king of the animal world. It was the largest and strongest animal in Europe and even his name (‘arktos’ in Greek) was taboo, for fear of conjuring up this monster onto your doorstep. So they called it ‘the brown one’ (Norse ‘björn’, Dutch ‘beer’, German ‘Bär’). Hence, the word ‘bear’. The original word Arktos completely disappeared from our vocabulary.
In its effort to combat paganism, the Catholic Church spread the idea that the bear is an animal with strong sexual urges. It turned the bear into the symbol representing vices such as sloth, gluttony, anger and lust (Ursus Diabolus). This magnificent animal went from being the most feared and respected creature of the wild, passing through a stage of being used for entertainment at town fairs, to A.A. Milne's lovable idiot, Winnie the Pooh, a bear so dumb, that it needs to be set straight by a donkey of all things.
So you see, Pyros' virility is the least of his problems. Let him keep the family jewels until his biological clock finally begins to tick and he starts to act his age. And let his descendants fruitfully multiply. If a little inbreeding is the price you pay for survival, so be it. Hang in there, all you little Pyros! leave comment here
