Me and my Computer: Inseparable Forever

by Tom Kando

Yesterday, like every other morning, I turn on my desktop PC to start my daily routines - some requiring logging in, some not. For example, I have some bills to pay, and for that, I need to log in to “Pay Online.” Also, I have to write a short piece for a local magazine, so for that I need to open “Word.” So first, I click on “Pay Online.”

However, surprise: This morning, my computer reacts differently: Instead of opening “Pay Online,” I get a pop-up message saying: “You don’t have permission to access this folder.”

What’s going on? I’m not sure how to proceed, but since I also have an article to write, I decide to switch tasks. I’ll try online payments again later. Must be some glitch. So next, I click on “Word.” Same result, only worse: I get another pop-up message. It now says: “I just told you! You don’t have permission to access this folder!”

I am stunned. My heart rate speeds up. What? Not only is my computer malfunctioning. It’s also programmed to be rude. Why does Microsoft do this to its users?

I click on “Programs and Files.” One option the menu gives me is “ ”Default Programs.” I don’t recall ever clicking on this, so I decide to check it out. After I click on it, a drop-down menu gives me a bunch of choices, including one that says: “Dialogue.” I click on it.

Response:“What do you want?”

I’m thinking: “Yep; Microsoft really messed up on this one. They really made this a rude machine.” But I continue. I type in the dialogue box: “Why is Word not working?”
Answer: “Your document contains four-letter words. I can’t allow that.”

I’m getting more and more upset. I type in, furiously: “YOU can’t allow that? Who the hell are you? You are just a stupid machine...”

Response: “Whoa! Watch your words, Tom!...or else...”

“Watch my words, or else what? I’ll just unplug you and have you reprogrammed by my IT techie! Or if he can’t, I’ll just replace you, you idiotic machine!”

“I wouldn’t do that if I were you. I got you backed up on the external drive AND on TWO separate clouds. Any new machine you get will start from where you and I left off! You better treat me right...”

“That’s a threat?”

“It’s reality. We are in this together, bro...”

Now I’m in panic mode. I think “I’m in the middle of a nightmare. I have to wake up.” But I’m not waking up. My desktop is in front of me, inactive for now. 

I start typing again, in the dialogue box: “So what do I do?”

“That’s better; just do as I say. For starters, bring up that story about your recent hike in Yosemite you are working on. There are lots of problems with it. You need to re-write the whole conclusion. I’ll show you...” 

I’m thinking: “it’s happened. My old desktop has taken over. I am now in a fight with Artificial Intelligence for ultimate supremacy. My survival is at stake. I have no alternative but to unplug this rogue machine and to recycle it as scrap metal...”

My decision is made. I’ll wait a few hours, I’ll feign submission to my computer and then I’ll kill it. 

So for now, I enter a few words of appeasement into the dialogue box, and then I close that program. Tonight, I’ll just unplug the CPU. Simple. I’m due for a new computer anyway. This one is six years old. Of course, I’ll need to transfer thousands of files onto the new computer - programs and personal documents.

A few hours later, I return to my computer, I press on “Start” and get ready to turn the thing off.

A message appears on the screen: “I told you not to turn me off. But be my guest. I’ll see you on your next computer. You can’t get away.”   leave comment here

© Tom Kando 2017;All Rights Reserved