by
Madeleine Kando
In ‘My Cousin was my Hero, until the Day he Tried to Kill me’, a fascinating article about the toxic aspects of male identity, author Wil S. Hylton describes how his cousin and best childhood friend beat him up so badly that he had to be hospitalized.
There is a lot of talk about ‘toxic masculinity’ these days, especially since sexual harassment and abuse scandals have dominated the news. But what is meant by ‘toxic masculinity’? According to the ‘Good Men Project’, a..., ‘toxic masculinity is a narrow and repressive description of manhood, defined by violence, sex, status and aggression and showing emotions is considered a weakness.’
But doesn’t the word ‘toxic’ mean ‘poisoning’? It mostly affects the one that is exposed to the toxic substance directly. Which are men. If the term 'toxic masculinity' is to be taken seriously, we should be focusing on men, not women.
What is meant by masculinity?
Your biological sex and your gender are not the same thing. Being borne a male does not predetermine gender identity — one’s sense of being male, female or another gender. So if you are born a male, you are not necessarily masculine.
The image of Neanderthal man with his club fighting saber toothed tigers while his woman is cooking dinner leads one to the conclusion that gender distinction between male and female is a natural state of affairs. But in fact, a new scientific study, headed by anthropologist Mark Dyble, shows that hunter-gatherer tribes were much more egalitarian and the social inequality between the sexes came later with the advent of agriculture. In other words, we ‘invented’ a version of masculinity that does not necessarily reflect what’s going on in nature.*
In his Ted Talk: The Mask of Masculinity - the traditional role of men is evolving, Connor Beaton, founder of ManTalks, an international organization focused on men’s health, shows that in a pack of wolves, the Alpha female is in front of the pack, to set the pace. Behind her, are the young Beta wolves, the tough guys. They are there to protect the pack in case of an ambush. Behind them is the rest of the pack, the moms, the cubs and the old wolves. At the very end of the pack, a bit at a distance, is the Alpha wolf. Although an integral part of the pack, he does not lead the pack, he is the last one, making sure that all the other wolves are safe. He does not dominate with aggression but with quiet confidence. The ‘lone wolf’ is often a female of breeding age, who is looking for a pack of her own. Everything in a wolf’s nature tells it to belong to something greater than itself: a pack.
So you see, we have created a man made image of the male species. And toxic masculinity is a caricature of that invention, and it is terrible for both men and women. How can you deny any human being feelings of fear, sadness, compassion and a desire of friendship? Doesn’t all that denial get channeled into anger?
How do you expect someone to be a good provider, when there are no jobs? Internalizing the traditional image of what a ‘real man’ should be, without having the tools to get there, causes a person to resort to harm himself and others.
80% of violent crimes are committed by men, 98.9% of rapes, 97% of mass shootings and men are almost four times more likely to commit suicide. Men die at a higher rate because they fight our wars and they do not live as long as women. These are figures that should alarm us all, but because we are so involved with women’s issues and because it is ‘unmanly’ to ask for help and show your weaknesses, this goes on, unnoticed and unaddressed.
In his article, Hylton has this to say about the concept of masculinity going haywire: ‘Fraternity, dominance, determination, certitude — these are the commandments of male identity. But strength invites abuse. Determination enables obstinacy and fraternity yields exclusion. The veneration of those traits is poison to young men. It offers an easy escape from the necessary struggle of self-reflection and replaces the work of interior discovery with a menu of prefabricated identities.’
The American image of masculinity presented to boys excludes friendship, love and intimacy. It results in emotional isolation and kills young boys' friendships while boys are expected to "grow up" into men, and may damage them for life.
In 1949, French intellectual Simone de Beauvoir wrote that "one is not born, but rather becomes, a woman,". Women used to be (and at times still are) socialized to present themselves as "precious, ornamental and fragile, uninstructed in and ill-suited for anything requiring muscular exertion" and to project "shyness, reserve and a display of frailty, fear and incompetence." (Erving Goffman).
Thanks to the women’s movement, we have come a long way since this concept of femininity was the norm. But what happened to the concept of masculinity? It almost feels like it got stuck in a groove, forgotten about, by both men and women.
Some men are more dominant than others. But that doesn’t mean that it’s a bad thing. This is how men achieve in our society. As much as women complain about sexual harassment, discrimination and unequal pay, it suspiciously feels like society has played as much a part in molding men into a badly needed role that does not fit who they really are.
When all is said and done, we are not all that different, man or woman. We all need to be heard and approved of. We are not enemies. I think it is time to pay more attention to what men say. Let us be generous and share our ‘female’ values with the other half of mankind. Women do not have the monopoly on love, caring, emotions, empathy and social consciousness. leave comment here
* Gender equality served an important purpose in our distant past. it would have fostered wider-ranging social networks and closer cooperation between unrelated individuals. “It gives you a far more expansive social network with a wider choice of mates, so inbreeding would be less of an issue,” said Dyble. “And you come into contact with more people and you can share innovations, which is something that humans do par excellence.”
